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How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Bill Gates died in a car accident.
He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”
Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”
Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
“Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.
Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
“This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
God says, “That was the screen saver”.
Q: Why do C# programmers have trouble dating women?
A: They want women with class, but they treat them like objects.
I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant.
I have a regression joke, but it sounds quite mean.
I have a machine learning joke, but it is not performing as well on a new audience.
I have a joke about deep learning but I can't explain it.
I have a geography joke, but I don't know where it is.
Programmers: See one warning, fixes warning. Compiles...
See two errors, fixes errors. Compiles...
See 83 errors, pitches computer.
C program run.
C program crash.
C programmer quit.
There are only two kinds of computer.
The latest model, and the obsolete.
Where does the acronym LOTUS come from?
Let Only Users Suffer.