Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
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Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
The lawyer’s motto:
a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers?
From professional courtesy.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"