A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
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A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"
The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.
With little thought he replied, "4.0"
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.
The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A: A great place to start.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
A: They grow taller!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it.
The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.