Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
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Q: Why do women wear black underwear?
A: They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.”
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.
In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied, “No, its average!”
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign.
"There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need.
A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."