A student called into school as his father in the hopes of getting out of school that day.
“My son had the flu and can’t make it to school today,” he said.
“Who is this speaking,” said the secretary.
"This is my father!”
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"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not.
Now shut up and comb your face."
What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.
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After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"
Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."
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Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria:This is it.
Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class:Maria did.
Girl: “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
Mother: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
Girl: “My homework.”
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long?
Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break!
You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job.
Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny.
"A horny bastard!"
Teacher: “How do you spell “dog”?”
Boy: “D, o, g, enter.”
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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