Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A guy was talking with his friend: I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk. Ok, but how about your finances? The lawyer takes care of those...
Out of courtesy, sharks never attack lawyers.