Joke #3047

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete." "I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean. What are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland." "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her." "Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white." "Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me." "What makes you think that?" "I got proof." "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom." "I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"

What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It's called Sosumi.

Lawsuit commercials for personal injury are quite common with things like accidents and medication; however they never mention Chuck Norris.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"