Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
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Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity.
They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy!
And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
The boss speaking with the secretary:
Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?
My lawyer.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Insufficient sand.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor.
Who gets it?
The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
Twins!
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!