Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears.
Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
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A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group.
When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple.
The group looked at it and started laughing.
The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it."
A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."
The inventor said, "Flip it over."
He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."
The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?"
"Pussy," said the inventor.
The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!"
The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."
Why did the captain lose the yacht race?
He found himself in a no-wind situation.
Yo'Mama is so stupid, she threw a baseball at Batman.
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.
The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.
What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
"Darling."
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
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Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?
Ten-ish.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA
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