What’s sicker than driving over a baby? Skidding.
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch. "S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir." The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag? A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay? A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70's? The guys' schlongs have sideburns!
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.