Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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John was in trouble, really big trouble.
You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
She was serious too, so John got serious.
The next morning he woke up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.
Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Thursday.
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.