A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."
The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
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There was an ad in the newspaper:
An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor.
The photo of the tractor is required.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John’s intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John’s part.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?"
"A Budweiser in each hand!"
A true gentleman holds the door for his woman... then smacks her ass as she walks by.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.
He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".