I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot? Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees...
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. What's a tiger? A stri-ped.
What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino? A Helephino!!
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one? I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she goes to the park, the pigeons throw her bread.
Yo' Mama is like a donkey: everybody rides the ass.