Joke #3433

I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...
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I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalotapus.
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How does a cow do math? With a cowculator.
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When is a lion not a lion? When he turns into his cage.
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A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’
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What's a rabbits favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."
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Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!
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Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
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