What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows.
A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"
A Shark alarm at Sydneys Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water except for three young boys who didn't hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, That was the most heroic thing I've ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrows newspaper: Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark! Thanks. Smiles the fella, but I'm not an Aussie. I'm a British backpacker. No worries, said the journalist with a frown, it'll still be front-page news. The next day, the newspapers headline screamed, Pommy bastard kills boy's pet fish!
There is three kids sitting at the lunch table one day. One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby? One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies. Rape
‘I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.’ Steven Wright
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost!
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all
Chuck Norris looked Medusa straight in the eyes, and laughed.
Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding cow farmer? A: Show us your calves!