Joke #4892

Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games? A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

What time does Andy Murray go to his bed? Ten-ish.

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!" The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

Son: "What's love juice daddy?" Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?" Son: "Wimbledon."

While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, run!” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!” Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, “He can’t run because he got four balls.” The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!”

Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is. "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"