Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bakin'.
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating — I call it goofing off ."
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Chuck Norris doesn't just bring home the bacon, he brings home the whole pig.
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.
A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened. He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!