Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another.
So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
Vote:
Man is incomplete until he’s married.
Then he’s finished.
A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"
Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you.
She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
Vote: