Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
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I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
Need I say more?
Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
Why is marriage a three-ring circus?
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"