Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
Why God did made the snake before lawyers?
To exercise.
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Insufficient sand.
A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal.
Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet.
Of course, they should at the court.
Vote:
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’