What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
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When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says:
"Haha nice one!"
and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...
- Good, good, good...
- Doctor, what's good?
- Good that I don't have what you have...
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
Vote:
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Vote:
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies,
GS-1.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin.
Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.