Joke #4947

Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole? A: Divorced.

Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Can I help you? No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.

If you have a grief nobody feels, If you have a pain nobody feels. If your heart is broken nobody feels, but if you fart all will understand.

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting. On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear." The hunters go out and return with two bears. So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!" But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears. After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank. Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are. The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."

On the Internet you can be anything you want. It's so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’ Steven Wright

Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".

Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.