Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?
A: Divorced.
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Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
Chuck Norris was born in a house he build himself.
Vote:
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick.
If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Once there was a farmer.
He had two teenage sons.
This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death.
He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks.
These ducks were retarded.
They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal.
He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.
The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard.
The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks.He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it.
He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse.
He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck.
One girl said fine.
After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore.
The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again.
She agreed.
After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash.
The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car.
The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely.
The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck.
She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got.
He proudly displayed the 10 dollars.
The farmer was impressed.
He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing.
I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."
Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front.
And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up.
Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.