Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot.
Everyone can catch cold.
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Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend's 25, Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend's 26, so if you're single its ok, maybe he's just not born yet.
I've recently got a stalker.
He's everywhere all the time.
And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me.
So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
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Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
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If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
You want to come in my life, the door is open.
You want to get out of my life, the door is open.
Just one request.
Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.