A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
3 things which change women: 1) I love U 2) I liquidated to your account 3) U have lost weight The last one had been some fatalities!
I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!" They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." He came fifth and received a toaster.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
Why did the Viking buy an old boat? Because he couldn't afjord a new one!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."