Joke #4810

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.

Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."

Are you free on Sunday? The director asks his secretary. Yes, sir. Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate." Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate." Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?" Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour." Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.