A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 
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Three men are sitting at a campfire telling stories about their great endeavors.
The first man talked about how to sucked out the venom of a snake and sucked it up with 50 degree alcohol.
The second man called it a circus trick as he has gotten 3 gunshots towards the chest and he but the guns in half.
They looked at the third guy wanting to hear his story.
Only to see him stroking his cock with the glowing hot coals.
"What are you doing there?"
"I'm making something."
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."
Chuck Norris lives on The Road Not Taken.
Vote:
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Vote:
*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...