Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
In the High Court:
Do you know what you get for false testimony?
Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand?
Football practice.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that!
What's the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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