Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
Answer: His lips begin to move.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool.
The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?"
God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;
"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.
"How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"