Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
In the High Court: Do you know what you get for false testimony? Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ ‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
Q: How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? A: It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.