I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
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Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"
Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?
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Where to birds invest their money?
In the stork market!
Why is money green?
Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
A gay American was caught by his Filipino gay husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."
Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not.
4. Return on investments never will.
Vote:
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."