A young man wants to be left something in his aunt’s will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk.
When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.
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I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions? Sure.
Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial.
When they arrive he says to the driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company.
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back.
I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money.
The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
A: They never want to log off.
How do you know you have a great CPA?
He has a tax loophole named after him.
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Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap.
The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender.
The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad you would laugh hysterically about it!"
A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles."
He decides to stop in.
A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore.
The madam says, "I'll need $500 first."
The man pays, then asks about his whore again.
The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot.
His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"