A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.
Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do. When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth.
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer. What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: It'll take a while before I get hard again, I just got laid by a chick.
Q:Where do you find a dog with no legs? A:Right where you left him.
Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place.