A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
Q: What do you call a car only British animals can drive? A: OxFord.
My cat can talk. I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.
Q. What's black and white and green? A. A frog sitting on a newspaper.
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’ Boy: ‘I’m not. I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other." The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Yo mama so stupid that she mourned wen we slaughtered a goat for Cristmas.