What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.
Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"
Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.
So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
Yo' Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has! She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina?? She replies; he is a carpenter miss. The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question...the child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain. Very good indeed says miss..........she turns to the next child and says. What job does your daddy have Robert?? He replies... He's a male prostitute miss; and demands 50 quid. No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell! Ok then miss you got me i confess......................................... HE PLAYS RUGBY FOR ENGLAND BUT IM TO ASHAMED TO SAY!!!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.