Joke #4295

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch ’n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them. The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."

Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river? So she could have shade when she swam across!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde went to the eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don"t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

There's a blonde walking down a trail. She comes to a river and stops. She looks right then left. She sees another blonde on the other side. She asks her "how do you get to the other side?" The blonde on the other side look right then left and says "you are on the other side"!

A blonde keeps checking her mail box. A neighbour notices her repeated trips to the kerb and asks if she’s waiting for a special delivery. ‘No,’ she replies. ‘But my computer keeps telling me I have mail.’

Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here! Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you? Blonde: The cemetery! Cop: *facepalm*

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?" The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink." Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?" The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink." Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?" The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm...Oh yeah, I remember now.Feed the pigs and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"