Joke #4312

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the olympics.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.

You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

Q:What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A:Santa stops after three hos.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep! Football Player: Coach, It is just not true! Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him! Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!