I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
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Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
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A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived.
Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".
"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy."
Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute.
May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through."
He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting.
I'm not getting up."
Chuck Norris sky dives without a parachute.
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA
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Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Chuck Norris didn't pursue a boxing carreer.
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Chuck Norris won the Boston marathon in New York.
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