What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
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I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles.
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’
Boy: ‘I’m not.
I’m just holding it.
It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’
You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."
My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered.
Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!
What does the fox say?
Whatever the hell Chuck Norris tells him to.
Vote:
What did the cow wear to the football game?
A Jersey.
The male worm towards the female worm:
Baby, if you don’t take me as you’re husband, I’m throwing myself to the chickens!
What did the flower say to be the bee?
"Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."
Vote:
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.