Joke #4634

On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!

Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"

Yo' Mama is so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.” The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?” “He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered. The man asks ” How much?” “Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.” The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work. So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….” Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?” “he came in the house…” Furiously, the man asked “And then” “…and then he came into the bedroom…” Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?” “He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!” The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"

At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."

What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny? He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."