Joke #4762

The wife is back on the warpath again. I suggested that we make a little sex tape ... she was up for it ... until I suggested holding auditions. I just don’t understand why she is so mad!

‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’ Les Dawson

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!

I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch. My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner! My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50! I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.! "What do you mean," they asked me. "I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."

Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night? A: Pastor Bedtime.

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Apparently, he’s trying to become a father again, even though he’s now 87. And you have to admit that is an exceptionally low sperm count.

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.