Joke #4762

The wife is back on the warpath again. I suggested that we make a little sex tape ... she was up for it ... until I suggested holding auditions. I just don’t understand why she is so mad!

‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?!’ ‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?" The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like Mr. Plumber?" A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?" A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?" "What do I look like Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything. "Wow, did he charge us anything?" "No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" "Cake? What the hell do I look like Betty Crocker?"

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!" Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"

Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet? A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.

Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.

Q:What did the black girl say while having sex? A:Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

A young couple get between the sheets for the first time. In a flash it’s over. The boy says, ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time.’ His girlfriend replies, ‘If I’d known you were going to take more time I’d have taken off my tights.’

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."