Joke #4766

I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."

Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.

What do women and pools have in common? They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

Define "Egghead": What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

We'll want to preserve Chuck Norris for future generations, when he dies. We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.

They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.