How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
John Leslie has been accused of raping a disabled black girl on Blue Peter. He blamed it on dyslexia & said he thought the script said, use sticky black spastic.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.