A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man? Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."