Joke #5093

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun." When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!" The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?" The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."

Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam? A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it...

There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please. The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions. The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence. The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have? The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have? The lady said potat. Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have? "But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush. Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit. Friend: Ok I can see it... Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you...

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "

At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?" "Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!" Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?" "Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunk and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!" At that point, the Chairman interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If any of you jerks, asks if she knows me, you’re screwed!"

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”