Joke #5148

If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.
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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
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How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks.
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If Men Ruled the World... Laws: Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Car rental agencies would rent tanks. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas. Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
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If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
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There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured. First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger. So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000. The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000. The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls. They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure. "You have no balls" they say. "Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.
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Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.
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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
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A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong. He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
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I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John’s intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John’s part.
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How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
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