Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."
So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Mouse: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc."
So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Croc: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar."
So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it."
Lion: "Why did you do that?"
Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar."
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A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area.
The police tell the drunk party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.
On the show Man v.s Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.
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A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"
How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt?
Tricera-bottoms.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger.
"I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed it.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.