A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve?
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.