Joke #5890

Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, wine

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In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
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Chuck Norris once drank wine from a chalice. This chalice is now known as the holy grail.
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People with Pogonophobia (fear of beards) do not fear Chuck Norris beard. They are too scared of his entire existance to focus on 1 part.
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How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
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has 76.89 % from 149 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, drug, life, wine
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
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has 54.26 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: food, men, wine, work
Chuck Norris can play a whole note in 3/4 time.
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has 61.01 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, music, time
Chuck Norris wrote the Assassins creed!
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has 59.80 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, game
A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop. The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?" The priest replied, "Only water, officer." The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?" The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
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has 76.96 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: cop, driving, god, priest, wine
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: kids, money, wine
Q: What do you call a group of men found drowned in a wine vat? A: The Grape-full Dead!
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has 24.11 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: death, men, wine