A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Q: If Nuts on your chest are Chestnuts and Nuts on a wall are Walnuts. What are Nuts on your chin called? A: A Cock in the mouth!
Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style... The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear up to it... you can smell the ocean.
Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush. Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit. Friend: Ok I can see it... Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you...
Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
A father has three daughters that are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.'' He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same thing: ''Who do you wish to marry?'' She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''