Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."
Chuck was once on the Olympics and he won all the medals but he was disqualifyed for roundhouse kicking the judges because they misspelled his name.
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
Yo mama so fat when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Why can women play hockey? A: Because they have to change their pads after every period.
Mrs. Williams: Ok kids let's play soccer SMACK! Anna:OW! Mrs. Williams: What happened Anna? Anna: Andy punched me! Mrs. Williams : Why did you punch Anna,Andy? Andy: You said let's play sock her, so I did.
Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player. How come? Every time he plays I wonder “why the fuck did I bothered to buy him”!
Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music? "Because he broke the record."