How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
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What does a man call true love?
An erection.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
After an accident...
1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Vote:
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.
One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.
Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.
St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
"I can't wait for Father's Day" said no man ever.
Vote:
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
John was in trouble, really big trouble.
You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
She was serious too, so John got serious.
The next morning he woke up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.
Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Thursday.