A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager.
"My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy.
"Who'd she play for?"
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
How do you know if your man is dead?
The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns.
"Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver.
"Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99."
The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."
Vote:
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”