How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
When you have a man staring at a naked Playboy model, be sure that he doesn’t wonder if she knows cooking, or if she plays piano or if she has a nice personality either!
A Knight was getting ready for the crusade. Ha turned to his friend and told him: "My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free." When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message: "Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"
Why do men want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, "Does your dog bite?" "No, my dog doesn't bite." The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, "Hey, you said your dog doesn't bite!" The shop clerk shrugs, "He doesn't. But that wasn't my dog."
Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve? A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Three men are sitting at a campfire telling stories about their great endeavors. The first man talked about how to sucked out the venom of a snake and sucked it up with 50 degree alcohol. The second man called it a circus trick as he has gotten 3 gunshots towards the chest and he but the guns in half. They looked at the third guy wanting to hear his story. Only to see him stroking his cock with the glowing hot coals.