Joke #3279

What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
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What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay? "Brace yourself, Sheila."
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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
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How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? The hero always gets his man in the end.
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What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
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Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
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Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
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