What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
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A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What does a man make best for dinner?
Reservations.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
But hell does that burn!
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.