How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing. 
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Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you
have it, you don't know what to do with it.
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try oral sex.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"