Joke #8484

A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."

God created universe, Chuck Norris created God.

5 year old daughter: "Mom, why is some of your hair white?" Me: *smiles* "Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white." Daughter: *wide eyes* "Wow mom, what did you do to grandma?"

I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.

The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.

Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!

Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".