There are 5 birds in a tree.
A hunter shoots 2 of them dead.
How many birds are left?
2 birds.
The other 3 fly away!
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Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So gay guys can play star wars.
A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce.
The priest was surprised.
"Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about."
The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned."
"Ah"” said the priest, "a parable."
"In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.