There are 5 birds in a tree.
A hunter shoots 2 of them dead.
How many birds are left?
2 birds.
The other 3 fly away!
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Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
John it’s alright muttering a few words in the church and finding yourself married, but if you mutter a few words in your sleep you might find yourself divorced.
A man walks into a sperm Bank.
He approaches a man who has just walked out of a donating cubicle.
He decides to start a conversation with him.
He approaches the man and says "So then, do you come here often?"
The man replies "Only when the internets off" and walks off.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
First the good news.
I have given you a brain and a p***s.
The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"