Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
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I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John’s intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John’s part.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
General Peter Pollock, the Navy Chief was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
General Pollock arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and Pollock asks: "So how are your men Marshall?"
"Very well trained, Peter."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls an under-trainee and says:
"James!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot!
I'm out of here!"
As James ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered Pollock and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."